Dear clandestine lover (alias Mpango wa Kando– side piece),
It’s that time of year again, Valentine’s season. The day when love is loud, flowers are overpriced and WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook statuses are flooded with romantic quotes and gestures.
But let’s talk about the real MVPs of this season: the GOAT wives. You know them- the ones who hold down the fort, raise the kids and have built a legacy with the man you’re trying to claim for a single day of candlelit illusions and emotionally charged ‘bedminton’ games. So before you start plotting grand gestures for a man who isn’t yours, let’s take a pause and remind you of some cold, hard facts which you’ve always known are your ground rules but are trying to break free…
First, stick to your lane and stay there forever! Valentine’s is not the day to test your power by sending cryptic gifts to the man’s house. That box of designer cologne? That sleek wristwatch? Best believe the GOAT wife will sniff out its origins and your silent campaign for dominance will backfire. If he spends Valentine’s with you, let it be a quiet affair. No flashy presents meant to destabilize his home. Trust experiences shared by those who’ve been where you are now, bragging about being in that relationship- if he was going to leave his wife for you and publicly have you on his arm, he would have done so by now.
Second, stop trying to be a wife to a man who already has one. Cooking his favorite meal, folding his clothes or whispering sweet reassurances about how you’d ‘treat him better’- it’s cute, but unnecessary. The GOAT wife has been there through his worst haircuts, his broke phases and his terrible fashion choices before he discovered two-piece suits that attracted you. You, my dear, are the getaway car, not the foundation. Play your role accordingly.
Third, Valentine’s is not a competition, and neither is life after it. The GOAT wife doesn’t need to fight for what is already hers. She has history, investments and maybe even the family name. You, on the other hand, have borrowed moments and fleeting excitement. If you think Valentine’s is the day to prove your worth, remember- it’s not a fair game. While you’re waiting for stolen hours, she’s the one curating the family vacation plans, securing the kids’ school fees and planning their retirement together. You’re just the temporary fun distraction.
So, dear clandestine lover, as February 14 approaches, keep it simple. Love in the shadows, respect the hierarchy, and never forget- service lanes never replace highways.
Much love,
Me.
