I am Ms Audrey Oluyole, a licensed Counselling Psychologist based in Nairobi. I understand that discovering your teenager is sexually active can be overwhelming, even frightening, but ignoring the topic won’t make it disappear. In this open letter, I want to help you navigate this sensitive issue with compassion, knowledge and the right tools to support your child without fear or judgment.
As a psychologist, I see firsthand how misinformation about contraceptives impacts both teens and parents in Kenya. Many parents fear that giving teens access to contraception will encourage promiscuity, while some teens believe myths like contraceptives cause infertility or they are only for married people.
So many Kenyan teens and parents, as I’ve said earlier, believe that contraceptives encourage promiscuity and cause infertility and that they are only for married adults. Others think that using contraceptives at a young age leads to serious health complications. These misconceptions stem from cultural taboos, religious beliefs and misinformation. To foster informed conversation, we need open judgment-free discussions, both at home and at school, or school-based comprehensive sex education and campaigns led by healthcare professionals to debunk these myths- which most parents are not open to.
Some parents believe that once you start talking about sex to their children or to their teenagers, it’s like you’re encouraging them to have sex, and now it becomes even worse when you bring contraceptives to play. And I’ve seen many parents also on the same being judged for putting their teenagers, especially the girls, on contraceptives or even giving boys condoms when they are going out. But these parents have already known that the conversation has changed, that social media which again we look at, social media will play a big influence on their teenagers. So for them, they’ve decided to be open about it and not hide behind ‘talking about sex or contraceptives is a taboo.’ I can go on and on on this.
Access to contraceptives can reduce anxiety about unintended pregnancies, which we have seen so many cases of teen pregnancies over the years, the numbers have risen. Access to these contraceptives will reduce anxiety of unintended pregnancies, allowing the teen to focus on education and personal growth. Teens are already having sex. It’s a conversation that many parents or teachers or even community don’t want to talk about, but it’s really happening. We have nine-year-olds getting pregnant and they don’t get pregnant by osmosis. I mean, Virgin Mary only appeared once. And the more we try to hide about sex and contraceptives, the more teen pregnancies go up, many girls dropping out of school and many boys committing suicide or even dropping out of school. So when we focus on giving them education on this, when they have accurate information, they make better choices in relationships and communicate more openly and feel more in control of their lives, giving them that power over their bodies, allowing them to say, ‘okay, I’m ready for sex, but I’m not ready for this. And if I get pregnant, these are the consequences.’ Then it’s giving them a sort of control or responsibility of their lives rather than trying to control their narrative.
However, the stigma around contraception can lead to secrecy, shame, or even risky behaviors. This is where parents and school play a vital role, not by shutting down the conversation, but by guiding it with empathy and facts. And we’ve seen when a teen goes home and says they are pregnant or they’ve gotten a girl pregnant, many are shipped back to the village, which is not the solution. The solution is to have an empathetic kind of conversation and look at the facts. Or when you discover your teen is having sex, sit them down and have that open-ended conversation and tell them they can contract diseases, they can get pregnant. So this will reduce the anxiety around the whole sexuality thing and also will open them up when they have issues. They will come to you because you’re already open to them. They will not have to second-guess or rely on social media.
This is something, again, abroad have implemented where they have sex education classes. We’ve seen on movies and I’ve attended a seminar whereby it’s been implemented where now teenagers or even those in grade 10 and above are given an egg. The older ones are given a doll to take care of it as a child and they are partnered up with a classmate of the opposite gender. This gives them that sense of responsibility. We have three clinics abroad which offers these contraceptives. So it’s a narrative that needs to be brought to Kenya to ease the anxieties surrounding contraceptives and sex.
Now social media and peer influence also shape what teens believe about contraception and unfortunately not all the information they get is accurate. Many are exposed to myths, exaggerated risk or peer pressure that distorts their misunderstanding. As adults, we need to equip them with critical thinking skills, teaching them how to fact check, seek information about credible sources and engage in open discussions rather than relying on hearsay. Right now, with so many social media pages and apps popping up every day, this information is easily accessible to them. All they need to do is Google ‘what do I need to take after having sex and I don’t want to get pregnant’, ‘what do I need to take after I’ve had sex and I’m having an itch’, and all these medications will come pop up; and unfortunately they just need to get someone to buy them from a chemist over the counter.
Most contraceptives are available over the counter. The likes of P2, that’s the morning after pill, not only P2, many morning after pills are accessible over the counter but when we have open-ended conversations, and we teach them to fact check, that’s being open to them both as parents, as teachers, as even mental health workers. Then they’ll be able to come and tell you openly that this is what they’re thinking of and what can they do when this happens. They will not again fall victims to false information or get the right medication, wrong dosage which will end up spoiling them. This isn’t about just contraception, it’s about empowering young people to make responsible, informed decisions about their health and their future. So the best way to address this is through open judgment and free discussions both at home and in schools.
When we create such safe spaces where teens feel heard and respected, they’re more likely to ask questions and make informed choices about their bodies. Teen sex is a topic I’m really passionate about because I am seeing so many parents making what they believe is the right choices for these teens that end up doing them more harm than good. I’ve seen so many cases- last year I had two cases of two teens trying to have an abortion, which again almost led to catastrophic events and the second one we had to seek immediate medical attention. This came very close to home. So when we hide behind, ‘oh my child doesn’t do this’, ‘oh this is wrong, oh this is that’ and we don’t want to explore the fact that the teenagers are having sex, that our kids are having sex, then they will look for other avenues to get rid of what they see as a problem which will do them more harm.
So for me, I’m an advocate of open safe spaces to talk about sex, to talk about misconceptions and don’t judge that parent who puts their child on contraceptives. You don’t know why they do that. Some children, as much as the parent has tried to put them on the straight and narrow, they decide to go the other avenue. This parent has decided, ‘now, instead of me dealing with my girl getting pregnant over and over again, I’d rather put them on a contraceptive for a certain number of years.’ So that parent is, of course with the consent of the girl, of the child, telling them why they are doing it. This parent is of course, again, taking matters into their hands but being safe about it and letting the child explore the avenue they have chosen without her dealing with unwanted pregnancies and again STIs and STDs.
