Love is an absolutely wild thing! Without permission, it springs forth in our hearts, even when there is no place or time for it to dwell. We pour our feelings into someone, hoping they’ll see us, choose us and love us back. But sometimes, they don’t. And that’s the heartbreak no one warns us about—the love that lingers in limbo with nowhere to land. It’s the unacceptable feelings crushes chose to play dumb with, blue ticked texts, the ‘almosts’, the what-ifs that keep us up at night.
At first, it feels like a never-ending ache- body, heart and soul, a heaviness that settles in your chest every time the crush’s name pops up or a memory sneaks in uninvited. You replay every conversation, every glance, wondering if you missed a sign or if you ever truly had a chance. The world moves on, but you feel stuck, lovelorn and hollow, carrying feelings that have nowhere to go. At this point, it would be easy to believe you’ll never get over it, that you’ll always be haunted by what could have been.
But even in the depths of unreturned love, there is a quiet truth waiting to be discovered—you are still whole, still worthy and still capable of finding joy, even if it doesn’t come from the person you once longed for. This is where self healing begins.
According to Nairobi based Counselling Psychologist Ms Audrey Oluyole, healing begins when one can navigate the challenges of being separated from someone you felt love for.
“So when you’re separated from someone you love the pain you feel can be overwhelming. Start by allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling whether it’s grief, sadness, frustration without judgment. These emotions are normal and pushing them away will only make them linger longer. Emotional suppression can prolong suffering while acknowledging your feelings can begin the healing process.
You can do so by seeking healthy outlets like journaling, talking to a trusted friend or engaging in creative activities like art or music or even working out can help the process of emotions. Constructively another thing you can do to manage the emotional pain is engage in self-care- prioritizing physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, meditation, yoga and sleep. So this is where you see people who’ve decided enough is enough to go back to the gym,” began Ms Oluyole.
She went on to explain that overcoming these challenges create emotional resilience and by staying socially connected, a lovelorn person can obtain a sense of belonging and help to ease feelings of loneliness as opposed to shutting away at home.
“Additionally, focus on personal goals to manage emotional pain. Channel energy into personal growth, hobbies or learning new skills to create a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Secondly, maintain your self-worth and purpose. So, how do you hold on to your self-worth when you love when love feels one-sided or impossible? It can really make you question your value but here’s the truth. Your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s ability to love you back, it’s tied to the fact that you’re not the only one who has the ability to love you back.
You’re human with unique gifts, qualities and potential. It helps to focus on self discovery. Ask yourself, what do I love? What makes me feel alive? Invest time in exploring those things, surround yourself with people who see your worth and remind you of it when you forget; and when those doubts creep in, pause and challenge them. Just because someone can’t give you the love you hoped for, it doesn’t mean you are any less deserving of love from yourself and others,” continued Ms Oluyole.
It was at this point that she cautioned people to not look for partners who ‘complete’ them as opposed to ‘compliment’ them such that when things go sour, there is no space for being lovelorn for too long.
“If need be, seek therapy to address persistent self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy we sometimes we play out over and over again. What didn’t work out or what we could have done different so that the person stays or reciprocated the love or? You know this and that and the other but when you limit these negative thoughts, then you’re setting boundaries into what plays in your head. You’re giving yourself that grace and you’re crippling this self-doubt. So set boundaries with your thoughts then the other one, invest in self-discovery. Use this time to explore your passions as we said, your values and your goals; and when a relationship is over, most times it’s the best time to look at your values so that when the next person walks in you’ll check if they are complementing your values values,” explained Ms Oluyole.
To accept healing, went on Ms Oluyole, one has to understand acceptance- it wouldn’t mean forgetting or dismissing love but coming to terms with reality as is without resisting or clinging onto what could have been.
Another thing would be practicing gratitude- being grateful for whatever memories that were made and lessons learnt but shifting perspectives to avoid holding on to unrealistic expectations. Last but not least, rediscovering one self through self compassion and intentional focus on growth would allow a lovelorn person to heal for as long a time as they would need to, and that with every step forward, they would be strong and a more resilient version of themselves would emerge.
