Have you ever consciously or unconsciously dedicated yourself to comforting and helping a friend grieve, accept and attempt to move on from a relationship in which they were being cheated on by their partner?
You spent hours on WhatsApp voice and text notes, thousands of shillings on coffee and lunch meet-ups, countless hours researching online how to help a friend go through the 5 phases of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance- , more time thinking about how to phrase your advise to not come across as judgmental or tone-deaf and learning every new thing to you under the sun on how to be the shoulder your friend could lean on.
You believed you are truly helping you friend cope, only for one morning to wake up to a short WhatsApp text that your friend was getting back together with their partner who had been cheating on them with everything that moves and breathes; and had been promised change going forward.
You are dumbstruck. You can’t comprehend how your friend could do this to you. You feel angry and betrayed, then disappointed and defeated. You no longer see your friend in the same light you used to. In fact, you now think they are foolish and you can’t bring yourself to accept how they made a fool out of you for all the support you offered them. You hate yourself for being too invested in their mental health and well being; and you don’t know how to go about reconciling your efforts and the loss you feel due to their reuniting.
So how do you forgive yourself for feeling used and dumped?
According to Nairobi-based Counselling Psychologist Ms Audrey Oluyole, an individual who finds themselves in a conflict of empathy versus moral conflict when their friend reunites with a cheating partner often faces discomfort from their friend’s actions which they do not agree with.
“Supporting a friend often stems from empathy and natural emotion response to their vulnerability or pain. However, when their decision contradicts our moral values or personal beliefs, it creates cognitive dissonance, the discomfort we feel when our actions- that is supporting them- do not align with our beliefs, which is disagreeing with their choice. This internal conflict can make us feel complicit in their decision, even if all we did was offer emotional support,” began Ms Oluyole.
She went on, “Society often teaches us to hold people accountable for their actions, including not endorsing behaviors like infidelity or poor decision making. When we appear to condone their choice by standing by them, we may feel like we are betraying these values. On a personal level, our own experiences, such as being cheated on or seeing someone else suffer from similar situations may amplify the guilt.”
Additionally, an individual can feel guilty for supporting a friend’s decision to reunite due to the fear of losing integrity. This fear would make one feel they are compromising on their own integrity- that they approve of behaviors they detest.
Thus, emotional boundaries must be set.
“Number one, you can define your limits. Before engaging in any support, clarify your boundaries. For instance, what level of involvement are you comfortable with? What topics are off limits to discuss? If their choice begins to drain you emotionally or conflict too deeply with your values, it is okay to limit or step back from those conversations. So for me on this part, with the experience I told you, I told my friend that I’ll never advise a woman in love. So those were my limits because she came to me, I gave her advice, she went back to the relationship.
So after that, when she came crying, I told her, she has just to deal with it because involving me wouldn’t be great for both of us. It will ruin our friendship because advising a woman in love is like advising a man with money. They never listen,” continued Ms Oluyole.
Another boundary includes practicing non-judgmental listening where you listen without offering advice or options. This allows one to be present without emotionally over-investing themselves in the relationship drama.
“Phrases like, I’m here for you, but this is your decision, can validate their feelings without implying disagreement. So in that same case, for me, this friend, I told her the same thing, I’m here for you, but whatever you decide is up to you. If you decide to stay and you’re happy, up to you. If you decide to leave and you want to go through the emotions, I’m here for you, but advising you, I’m not going to do that. Then understand that your role is to support, not to fix or control their decision. Their choices and consequences are ultimately theirs to face,” explained Ms Oluyole.
Detaching from the outcome helps one protect their emotional energy and exhaustion. In this instance, clear boundaries are a must on how far one is willing to be a caring and comforting friend.
But if you over-invest and they make the decision to go back, how do you protect your mental health? Ms Oluyole gave the following tips:
- Detaching from the outcome of their decision to reunite in order to protect one’s emotional energy.
- Monitoring one’s emotional health. ” Regularly check-in with yourself. If you notice resentment, stress or guilt building up, take a step back.”
- Engage in self care or speak to a therapist to help one process their feelings.
How about forgiving one self for being the best friend ever to an individual who reunites with a cheating partner?
“Recognize the complexity of human choices. Understand that showing compassion doesn’t mean you condone their decision. It means you choose to support a friend in a difficult moment. People are multifaceted and so are relationships. Compassion isn’t about morality, it’s about humanity.
Then number two, separate responsibility. Acknowledge that your friends’ choices are their own. You don’t make their decision. You only offered emotional support. Remind yourself that supporting someone does not mean you’re endorsing their behavior. Most of us struggle there, myself included. If I feel like I’m supporting them, then I feel like I’m encouraging them to be in that relationship, which isn’t true most of the time. Sometimes you see the red flags and you blame yourselves when the red flags now, the other person notices them. You’re like, why didn’t I tell them earlier? But understanding that showing compassion does not mean you condone their decision actually makes it a bit more easy,” further said Ms Oluyole
The Psychologist further went on to encourage supportive friends to write down why the chose to stand by their friends because chances were this came from a place of love and care, not moral alignment.
She also advised one to celebrate the act of kindness they showed as a means of forgiving themselves because it proved they cared about their friend.
“So I’ll celebrate the fact that I acted in kindness and then reframe the guilt. Instead of seeing your support as a failure to uphold your values, reframe it as an act of courage. It takes strength to stand by someone, even when it’s uncomfortable or challenging. Then forgive the imperfect parts of yourself. Remember being human means navigating gray areas. Practice self-compassion by affirming that it’s okay to make decisions that conflict with your values. Sometimes what matters is your broader commitment to learn integrity,” added Ms Oluyole.
She concluded by telling supportive friends to learn from their experience and set future intentions; as well as use the experience to reflect and grow.
