Some fathers now opt to introduce their partners/girlfriends/spouses as mama watoto (the mother to our children) over sweet-nothings such as babe, love, honey and mrembo (beautiful) among other names exclusive of their government recognized names.
While some women would find no fault being referred to as Mama Watoto because they understand it could be an affectionate term in praise of the family they have built together and are proud of it, others abhor it. This could probably because the term was borne out of a breakdown of the relationship with the child’s/children’s father and the love to keep the bond good either temporarily faded or was permanently tossed. Dad no longer sees the woman in his life as his woman first but simply the mother to his children whom he’s doing life with.
What happens then? If the love is lost, would you as a mother opt to stay, set up a prayer room and go on a spiritual warfare for your love while suffering in the name of being mama watoto in a marriage or would you rather leave, co-parent and be branded a bitter baby mama if you do not cooperate 100%?
According to Nairobi-based Counselling Psychologist Ms Audrey Oluyole, many women grapple with the difficult choice of leaving an unhappy relationship or staying for the sake of their children. In the end, many opt for being the ‘bitter baby mama’ even though that is not the genuine matter of the situation but a form of self preservation and pursuing happiness.
“In Kenya, the labels ‘bitter baby mama’ and ‘Mama Watoto‘ carry significant social and cultural weight, reflecting societal attitudes towards relationships, parenthood and single motherhood. While both scenarios involve challenges, many women grapple with the difficult choice of leaving an unhappy relationship or staying for the sake of their children. The psychological and emotional factors behind the choice to be a bitter baby mama over remaining in a toxic or unfulfilling relationship as a Mama Watoto often stems from the following factors:
Self-preservation and mental health. Remaining in a relationship fraught with emotional neglect, abuse or dissatisfaction can lead to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. For many women, leaving is a form of self-preservation, a step toward regaining personal happiness and mental stability. Second is the desire for authenticity. Some women choose to leave to avoid the pretense of a happy family. Living unauthentically, especially in a toxic environment, can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion, which may ultimately affect their parenting ability,” began Ms Oluyole.
Ms Oluyole further explained that the modeling of healthy relationships also comes into play when women have to make such a decision because some children observe and internalize relationship dynamics.
“Choosing to leave may be driven by a desire to model self-respect, boundaries and a healthy decision-making for the children. Also, breaking the cycle of dysfunction is important. Growing up in a household with constant conflict or emotional detachment can lead to long-term psychological effects on children. Some women decide to break the cycle by leaving, even if it means facing societal stigma as a single mother,” added Ms Oluyole.
While the decision to separate and leave may initially bring up feelings of guilt, shame and fear of judgement, especially in a culture that encourages women to stay in bad marriages for the sake of the children, leaving can also bring relief, empowerment and an opportunity for personal growth.
Ms Oluyole was of the opinion that many women who left reported feeling freer, being more focused and better equipped to provide a nurturing a great environment for their children despite the separation breaking up their nuclear family.
“Constant conflict or emotional neglect in the household often harms children more than a well-managed separation. Children in peaceful single-parent households often thrive because they are not subject to daily tension or hostility. Research shows that children benefit from having at least one emotionally healthy and present parent, even if it means living apart from their other. The key is open communication, reassurance and maintaining a loving relationship with both parents where possible,” explained Ms Oluyole.
To navigate the stigma and stereotype of being a ‘bitter baby mama’, Ms Oluyole advised women choosing this option to seek support networks inclusive of family, friends and with those in single-parent groups. This would help them combat isolation and judgement. She also advised therapy and counselling to address feelings of guilt, shame and fear of judgement.
“Focusing on personal growth. Use the transition as an opportunity for self-discovery, skill development or pursuing passions that may be neglected in the relationship. A fulfilled parent is better equipped to care for their children. Reframe the narrative. Instead of viewing single-parenthood as a failure, embrace it as a courageous choice to prioritize well-being. Celebrate the resilience and strength it takes to make that decision. Also, prioritize co-parenting. Where possible, maintaining a co-parenting relationship with the other parent can reduce tension and benefit the children’s emotional well-being,” concluded Ms Oluyole.
At the end of the day, would you then, dear reader, rather be a bitter baby mama than a miserable mama watoto? Would you rather suffer misery and be known in society for being a married woman with a family than face undue judgement for choosing to leave the marriage/relationship?
