In every corner of the world, friendships have been tested, broken and left in ruins because of one of the most painful betrayals- losing a romantic partner to a close friend. Time and again, people have nursed heartbreaks, not just from failed relationships, but from the realization that the person who stole their lover was someone they once considered a bosom buddy. Whether it’s the friend who secretly coveted their partner or the lover who easily entertained the advances, the sting of such betrayal runs deep.
From Hollywood scandals to ordinary relationships, this form of treachery is nothing new. Stories abound of best friends who turned into homewreckers, of trusted confidants who consoled a broken heart only to claim the ex as their own and of secret affairs that exposed the darkest side of human nature. In the age of social media, where oversharing is common, some people have found out about their partner’s infidelity through the very person they trusted most. Screenshots, tagged posts and even public declarations of love have left many in disbelief as they watch their supposed best friend flaunt the same relationship they once cherished.
Closer home, Kenyan millennials and Gen Z are no strangers to such betrayals. The dating scene has become increasingly unpredictable, with romantic relationships constantly being tested by external influences including close friends. Many people have had their hearts shattered after discovering that the person they vented to about their relationship struggles was the same one plotting to take their partner.
A popular saying goes, “Nairobi is a small town,” meaning that everyone somehow knows everyone, and loyalty is sometimes just an illusion. It’s not uncommon to hear of a “bestie” who was always around, always hanging out, only to end up being the one causing the most heartbreak. Worse still, some of these betrayals don’t happen in secrecy- some so-called friends openly flirt with their best friend’s partner, pushing boundaries and testing the limits of friendship and loyalty.
So, why would such friends ‘hunt’ their close friends’ romantic partners? Nairobi-based Counselling Psychologist and Therapist, Ms Audrey Oluyole spoke to Nairobi Post regarding this and explained how the minds of such friends operate.
“I’ve seen firsthand how betrayal, especially from a close friend, can deeply wound a person’s sense of trust and self-worth. The act of a friend hunting their friend’s lover is more than just a lapse of judgment. It often stems from underlying psychological and emotional factors. The first one, insecurity and low self-esteem. Some individuals seek validation in destructive ways using attraction and conquest to feel valuable and desirable. The second one is jealousy and competition. A deep-seated need to ‘win’ can lead someone to undermine a friend’s happiness, especially if they struggle with envy.
The third one is attachment issues. Those with attachment wounds, e.g. fear of abandonment or unresolved childhood issues, may feel drawn to relationships that are already established, seeking emotional security in a way that’s ultimately harmful. And the last one, lack of boundaries and morality. Some people simply lack a strong moral compass or respect for their friendship boundaries, acting impulsively on attraction without considering the emotional toll,” began Ms Oluyole.
The rise of casual dating, transactional relationships and revenge culture has made matters even worse. Some betrayals happen out of pure opportunism-someone simply wanted what their friend had. Others are fueled by revenge, where a friend feels slighted in another area of life and takes it out by snatching their best friend’s lover. The painful reality is that, in today’s dating world, loyalty can sometimes be as fleeting as the latest TikTok trend.
“In many cases, sabotaging a friend’s relationship is less about love or genuine attraction and more about deeper emotional wounds. So, the first one can be like unresolved rivalry. Some friendships have hidden competitive dynamics. One friend may subconsciously feel like they are losing in life compared to another, and going after their partner is a way to feel superior. Secondly, the fear of being left behind. If a friend feels like they are being replaced by a romantic partner, they may sabotage the relationship as an attempt to regain importance in their friend’s life. And this comes again with not love language, but attachment. So, this person most likely has abandonment issues. And then number three, reenacting past trauma. Sometimes people recreate painful past experiences unconsciously. They will say trauma bonding. If they’ve been abandoned or betrayed before, they may act out similarly or act out in a similar dynamics, even if it ultimately hurts them,” continued Ms Oluyole.
Social media has only made things more chaotic. Instagram stories, WhatsApp statuses and TikTok videos now serve as evidence of betrayals. You may break up with your partner today, only to find your best friend going on vacation with them next week. In some cases, the betrayal is slow and subtle, disguised as innocent hangouts and “just talking.” By the time the truth is revealed, the damage is already done.
“If you’re in a relationship and have a close friend, it’s important to be aware of subtle red flags that may indicate their ulterior motives. The first one is excessive interest in your partner. There’s interest, then there’s just excessive interest. Do they always ask about your partner, go out of their way to be around them or try to build a separate connection? That’s a red flag. Number two, subtle undermining of your relationship. Do they often make dismissive comments about your partner? Like they find nothing good about your partner, plant doubts even when there are no red flags in that relationship or suggest they aren’t good for you. That can be a red flag,” highlighted Ms Oluyole.
She went on, “Number three, flirting disguised as friendliness. Do they engage in physical touch, overly hug, overly compliment or behave differently around your partner? Like you find when you say your partner is going to be around, they dress in a certain way, they go all out. That is a red flag. Then boundary pushing. Do they try to get alone time with your partner or insert themselves into your relationship in ways that feel intrusive? Like when you plan dates, they want to be there or you find that one way or another, they find out where you’re hanging out and they’re there. That’s a red flag.
History of betrayal. Have they done something similar before, whether with you or with others? Patterns are revealing. So those are the red flags to look out for. Friendship and loyalty should go hand in hand but when trust is broken in this way, it can deeply be painful. If you find yourself in this situation, remember that the betrayal says more about them than you. Protecting yourself means setting firm boundaries and surrounding yourself with people who truly respect and honor your relationships,” concluded Ms Oluyole.
