Have you ever come across that one female friend or relative of yours who just seems to have lost all hope of a peaceful, loving and joyful life because her husband can’t tame his desires and lock them in the marriage cage?
Once plump and cheery, this woman has been turned into a shell of herself, she no longer smiles, is always murmuring about her suffering, and your conversations are always held over egg shells because you do not know at which point she will break down in tears. Her mental health is poor because she does not understand what it was that she lacked that made her husband stray- she feels less of a woman, less desirable, put down, humiliated, ashamed that she can’t keep a man. She is no longer herself but a victim of her husband’s desires.
You probably advised her to leave but she chose to stay for their children. You fear telling her to pray about it because ‘thought and prayers’ has been turned into a dismissive phrase by many people. You can’t tell her to separate for a while because her husband is the breadwinner and she will end up suffering.
And her husband! Oblivious to the pain he is causing his spouse, and the aftereffects on any children they have. Spending money on his mistress, stereotypically referred to as Mpango wa Kando (a side piece), as if everyday, all day is pay day. He is beyond reasoning because he has a superiority complex going on. All he cares about is instant gratification be it physically, emotionally or socially- because for some men, juggling women is reason for high praise.
But then one day, just as you are budgeting your little monies to see how much you can spare to buy your friend/relative going through adultery aftereffects to take care of her personal needs, she calls you up and tells you her husband is back home and has decided to leave his mistress to focus on rebuilding his family.
How? Why now? What prompted him to return home? Isn’t this just a smokescreen show? Won’t he cheat again? Is he really genuine about ending extra marital affairs?
Well, according to Nairobi-based Counseling Psychologist Ms Audrey Oluyole, some men can actually leave their affair partners with finality and go back home.
“When it comes to affairs, the cheating couple- that is the husband and the affair partner- is normally united around sheer misery and or excitement. So what often usually brings these couples together is they’re united against their partners or they share unhappiness. Or like for the husband, if he goes for a single girl, it’s because ‘he’s not happy with his spouse.’ And this new person usually understands how they feel as compared to their partner. But eventually, all this fades away and the relationship settles. And when it does, the other aspects of the affair partner like their personality usually now comes up. What was unnoticed before now becomes noticeable and it rises to the surface,” began Ms Oluyole.
She went on to explain that the man may begin seeing similarities between his affair partner and his wife- including things that initially made him unhappy; or even realize that this mistress is worse than his wife and decide to go back home. At this point, the levels of oxytocin- the ‘love hormone’, drops.
“So when that the hormone begins to fade away, which normally takes about nine to 18 months, their sex level drops or the sexual tension now drops off, the passion and the glow begin to fade away. And now the derailing of the affair starts up. You find that the husband is no longer excited about being with this affair partner and they break up. Also, most people usually assume that when a husband has an affair, he’s usually looking into leaving his wife, but that’s not the case. Most times, its because he is unhappy with himself, his life or the situation has nothing to do with his marriage. Other times they’re just in the right place at an unfortunate time when they’re vulnerable to cheating. Then divorce is painful, expensive and shocking. Until they are faced with losing their marriage and their family, most husbands are normally gleeful in their affair but if they are suspected or caught, this will shock him back into reality and more often than not, he will often change his mind about his affair relationship rather quickly ,” continued Ms Oluyole.
Apparently, some cheating husbands often find themselves reflecting on themselves, their wives and their marriage- thinking over how their relationship changed, how responsibilities such as child raising changed his wife, her body, her time- and eventually, may find that he unfairly judged his wife as irritable when she’s simply overstimulated from being needed 24/7, has no time for him when she is actually the primary parent while he is out earning the daily bread or that she is no longer loving towards him despite neglecting herself to give her 100% to the family.
“When he steps out and away and is not scrutinizing the marriage, it will dawn on him that he was expecting too much of his wife who was already handling a lot and come to the realization that he unfairly judged the situation. For fear of being found out, and realizing he isn’t ready to lose his family, he will definitely go back home to his wife and stop being with the affair partner,” explained Ms Oluyole.
Positive martial satisfaction, open and honest communication within the marriage, high levels of emotional and physical intimacy and constructive conflict resolution skills might facilitate reconciliation if both partners are willing to repair the marriage relationship after the unfaithful man decides to leave his affair partner.
“In terms of societal and cultural pressures on a man that may lead him to make the decision to abandon his affair partner and go back to his wife, the pressures are very high. These pressures operate through various mechanisms. The first one is social norms and expectations which often come from society based on how it views marriage and deviating from these norms can lead to social disapproval and stigma. Family and community influence can also weigh heavily on a man to make this decision especially if they advocate for maintaining marriages and offering support for reconciliation and condemnation for affairs. The third thing that would drive a man to make this decision is his reputation. Maintaining a good reputation is often a critical concern. An affair exposed can damage his social standing, career prospects and relationships within the community. The fear of this potential fallout can prompt him to prioritize his marriage and end the affair,” said Ms Oluyole.
At the end of the day, a man’s long term marital satisfaction and personal growth can influence his decision to abandon an affair partner and go back to his wife for good- hopefully never to stray again.
“In some cultures divorce can have significant legal and financial repercussions such as paying alimony, asset division, child support- the prospect of these consequences can motivate a man to avoid ending his marriage in favor of the affair, in favor of ending the affair. Personal moral values and religious beliefs also play a substantial role in making this decision. Many religions and moral frameworks condemn adultery, encouraging repentance and forgiveness within the marital context. A man with strong religious convictions might feel a profound sense of guilt and a desire to make amends, leading him to abandon the affair,” continued Ms Oluyole.
She went on, “Leaving a stable long-term relationship for an affair partner can lead to uncertainty and instability. The fear of loneliness, the unknown and potential realization that the affair may not result in long-term stable relationship, can drive a man to stay with his wife. The well-being of his children is also a significant factor when it comes to affair versus staying. A man might choose to stay with his wife to provide a stable environment for his children, fearing the negative impact that separation or divorce might have on them. “
Additionally, the emotional history with his wife can compel him to stay and recommit to his wife because their shared experiences and memories “outweigh the allure of the affair partner.”
