Is it modern love or midlife crisis?
We live in times where relationships are constantly evolving, and one of the most perplexing trends emerging is those whereby some men leave their wives and kids to commit to single or divorced women with multiple children from previous relationships.
This phenomenon raises deep psychological and societal questions, especially in Kenya, where family is considered a pillar of identity. While some see it as a pursuit of true love, others argue it reflects an internal crisis or an escape from responsibilities.
“Many men who make such drastic life changes may be grappling with internal conflicts about their identity and self-worth. They might feel that their current role as husband or fathers are not fulfilling their personal needs or societal expectations. In some cases, the decision to engage with a new partner and her children can be driven by a desire to reinvent themselves. This reinvention may offer the promise of a fresh start where they feel more appreciated or needed. For some, there’s also an element of escapism, a way of distance themselves from past disappointments and resolve conflicts or inadequacies linked to their previous family dynamics,” began Ms Audrey Oluyole, a Nairobi based Counselling Psychologist and Therapist.
Society also plays a role, with shifting gender dynamics and modern dating patterns making it easier for men to abandon one family and blend into another. Financial stability, emotional connection or the allure of a less demanding partner may contribute to their choice. In some cases, men might view raising another’s children as an opportunity to “start fresh,” especially if they feel they failed in their previous family roles.
“So, you find that there are many, especially with this societal expectation of a man has to have a son. You’ll find he has left his wife who has maybe only girls to raise a family with a woman who is a single mom to boys. This is reinvention coming all over again. Or maybe, as it’s said, restarting over afresh and giving their best. So, you’ll find that in family A, he wasn’t a good provider, but with family B, he’s the best provider. He shows up for them 100%. So, leaving back his past failures with family A and starting over with family B. Then, looking at childhood experiences, attachment styles, and unresolved emotional needs,” continued Ms Oluyole.
Psychologists suggest that attachment styles, unresolved childhood trauma or a desire for validation can influence such decisions. Some men may feel unappreciated or inadequate in their original families, seeking comfort in a new relationship where they are seen as a savior or provider. Additionally, midlife crises often trigger drastic life changes, leading men to pursue relationships that make them feel younger, more valued or in control of their destiny.
“Our early relationships and experiences often shape how we relate to others later in life. Men who have had insecure attachment styles and patterns or unmet emotional needs during childhood might unconsciously seek relationships that allow them to repair or redefine their experiences of family. The role of a nurturing step-parent may provide an opportunity to experience the love and connection they once lacked. Additionally, unresolved issues from their own upbringing can manifest as a drive to prove themselves in a parental role, sometimes as a way of compensating for their own perceived deficiency or to heal old wounds,” explained Ms Oluyole.
While every situation is unique, the reality remains that children from broken homes often bear the greatest emotional burden. Whether driven by love, crisis or a need for reinvention, men who make such decisions should reflect on the long-term impact on their biological children. After all, fatherhood isn’t just about presence, it’s about commitment, responsibility and the legacy one leaves behind.
“Society often places heavy expectations on men regarding success, responsibility and fatherhood, just as I pointed out earlier. During midlife, many men encounter a period of self-reflection or even crisis, where they question whether their life choices align with their inner values and desires. This introspection can lead to significant identity shifts, and you’ll find especially these are men who are forced to marry early because they got this girl pregnant, or pushed into marriage because you know the rest of your siblings are getting married, who are you, or you as the first born, you are supposed to get married first so that your siblings get married.
So this man, when he reaches his 40s, what we call midlife crisis or self-reflection period, they decide, hey, this family I’m having is not going according to my inner values or my core values. This introspection can lead to a significant identity shift, as I said. Some men might feel that their traditional roles are no longer satisfying, prompting them to explore new paths that offer renewed purpose,” added Ms Oluyole.
She concluded, “Embracing a new family dynamic, especially one where they can take a nurturing role, can be seen as an attempt to recapture a sense of vitality or to redefine what it means to be a good father and a partner in today’s evolving social landscapes. So overall, the decision to leave one family and commit to another isn’t typically about simply walking away from one set of children to raise another’s, it’s often the result of deep-seated emotional struggles, a search for validation and self-worth and sometimes, an unconscious attempt to resolve past wounds through new relational roles.
Understanding these factors in a compassionate, non-judgmental way is crucial, both for those experiencing these challenges and for the broader dialogue among modern love and family dynamics. But this does not excuse men who are deadbeats. There’s a difference between a man who’s having self-reflection and a deadbeat father, so the two need to be separated.”
