In Kenya, the age-old debate of what makes a good wife never seems to end. For years, society has glorified the so-called kienyeji wife- often described as a modest, submissive and less exposed woman from the village- while labeling highly educated, career-driven women as “too difficult to marry.” This narrative suggests that modern, educated women are less suited for marriage, while kienyeji wives are the ultimate prize. But is this really the truth, or just a deep-seated bias that needs to be challenged?
First, let’s be clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man choosing to marry a kienyeji woman, just as there is nothing wrong with choosing a highly educated and career-focused woman. The issue arises when one is praised while the other is demonized as is often seen on Kenya’s social media spaces. The stereotype that kienyeji women are naturally more respectful, better homemakers and less “troublesome” than educated women is a dangerous oversimplification. It reduces women to their level of exposure rather than acknowledging their character, values and ability to contribute to a partnership.
Meanwhile, educated women are constantly told they are “too independent,” “too opinionated,” or even “too expensive to maintain.” In reality, education and financial stability do not make a woman any less loving, respectful or capable of building a home. In fact, having a financially independent partner can strengthen a marriage by reducing the economic pressures that often cause conflict in relationships- middleclass men, hello?
The argument against highly educated women in marriage ignores the many advantages they bring to a relationship. Education enhances emotional intelligence, problem-solving skills and financial literacy- all crucial elements in a successful marriage. It’s ironic that society pushes women to excel in school, only to later shame them for achieving too much.
Moreover, the idea that educated women are “disrespectful” is based on a misunderstanding. Speaking up for oneself and having opinions does not equate to disrespect. A strong, modern marriage should be built on mutual respect, where both partners have a say in decision-making, rather than one partner being expected to submit without question.
Marriage is deeply personal, and everyone has a right to choose a partner based on their preferences. However, favoring one type of woman while dismissing another is not only unfair but also does a disservice to both men and women. A good wife is not defined by whether she grew up in the village or the city, whether she has a degree or not. She is defined by her values, character and ability to love and build a life with her partner.
It’s time to stop pushing the narrative that educated women are “not marriage material.” The truth is, the best wife is not about being kienyeji or modern, it’s about being the right person for your partner. And that is a choice only the two people in the relationship should make, not social media keyboard warriors, chauvinists and low value-low self esteem women with a bone to pick against learned women.
