Love and liquor- two intoxicating highs that can feel impossible to quit, and many a song about ‘pombe, pesa na wanawake/wanaume‘ (alcohol, money, women/men) have been made about these three pursuits.
Some people aren’t just looking for love; they’re hooked on it- the late-night texts, the butterflies, the thrill of being wanted. And when romance isn’t enough? A glass (or three) of their favorite drink fills the void. It starts off as fun weekend cocktails with a “situationship,” long drives with cheap wine in the cupholder, but before they know it, love and alcohol become twin addictions, each numbing the loneliness the other leaves behind.
In a world where soft life aesthetics and #CoupleGoals dominate social media, the pressure to always be in love (and always be vibing) is real. The Kenyan dating scene doesn’t make it easier- entanglements, ghosting and romantic uncertainty leave many reaching for the bottle just to cope. The cycle is brutal: heartbreak leads to a drink, drinks lead to bad decisions and bad decisions lead to even more heartbreak. Love and alcohol become a never-ending loop. One fuels the need for the other, making it harder to tell which craving is worse.
But here’s the real question: how do you break free? Can you learn to enjoy love without chasing the high? Can you sip a drink without it becoming an emotional crutch?
According to Nairobi-based Counselling Psychologist Ms Audrey Oluyole, there is a way for one to break free from these unhealthy pursuits.
“So, both romance and alcohol can provide a temporary escape, which is a rush of excitement, comfort or even sense of identity. But when this becomes emotional crutches, they can lead to cycle of dependency, self-doubt and even self-destruction. The good news, you can break free and find deeper and more lasting fulfillment in life. First off is finding fulfilling alternatives to romance and alcohol. If you are used to chasing emotional highs through love or drinking, replacing these habits with meaningful activities can make a significant difference. Find creative outlets, arts, writing, music or any form of creative expression can provide a natural emotional relief and sense of accomplishment,” began Ms Oluyole.
She went on to mention that physical activities such as exercise, dance or outdoor activities can naturally boost one’s moods and help in self discipline. This discipline can be honed through seeking personal growth in activities such as learning new skills, taking up hobbies or engaging in activities that would shift the focus from external validation to internal fulfillment. Community and volunteering- being part of a community- whether through support groups, volunteering or social clubs would also help one to create connections without unhealthy dependency.
“Breaking free from emotional reliance on romance or alcohol requires inner strength and self-discipline. Here’s how to build that foundation. Number one, self-reflection and awareness, journaling, therapy or even mindful practices help recognize patterns of dependence and what triggers them. Number two, setting healthy boundaries, learning to be comfortable alone and setting clear limits in relationships reduces the urge to seek constant external validation that comes from love or alcohol. Then embracing discomfort- emotional pain is often what drives people towards love, addiction or alcohol. Instead of numbing feelings or ignoring them, facing them head on and sitting with them even if it’s uncomfortable, through therapy, meditation or deep conversation can foster real growth,” explained Ms Oluyole.
And so then, what mindset shifts or therapeutic approaches can help individuals find genuine satisfaction in life beyond chasing romance and alcohol?
“True satisfaction in life comes from within, not from external sources like romance or alcohol. A few key mindset shifts can help like embracing self-worth, understanding that you are enough with or without a partner or alcohol is a powerful realization. It creates a sense of self-worth and gives value to yourself. Practicing gratitude, focusing on what you already have rather than what’s missing shifts the need for external highs. Most times people are addicted to love or alcohol because they want to fill a void that that is there but focusing on what you already have in hand rather than what is missing can now shift that paradigm.
Then, therapeutic approaches like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help in rewiring unhealthy thought patterns while trauma-informed therapy can address deeper emotional wounds that a person has. Freedom starts with you. Romance and alcohol may promise excitement and comfort but real fulfillment comes from building a life rooted in self-love, resilient and meaningful connections. If you’re struggling, seeking professional help or support groups can be a crucial first step. Remember you don’t need to chase temporary highs. Lasting joy is within reach when you choose to build it from within,” concluded Ms Oluyole.
The truth is, both love and alcohol hit the same pleasure centers in the brain, tricking you into thinking you need them to feel alive. But real peace- real happiness- comes when you know how to enjoy the highs without losing yourself in them.
