Niaje Kenyan Millennials and Gen Z? Mko fiti? Are you there and you believe you’re a fully urban, 254-certified, vibe-on-vibes, soft life-loving and all things Nairoberry? Or maybe, just maybe, you still have some deep-rooted kienyeji tendencies hiding in plain sight… like pouring tea into a saucer or believing avocado only belongs next to ugali and githeri. Whether you were raised in the city or proudly rocked Bata Ngoma in ushago, it’s time to put your kienyeji levels to the test. Answer these 20 fun and slightly savage questions to see if you’re living the soft life or still rinsing rice with prayer and hot water…
- Do you still count your money after it is dispensed from the bank’s ATM?
- When you visit someone, do you first ask for water or quietly sit ki-sojaa like you’re about to be interviewed by their ancestors?
- Have you ever boiled milk straight from the cow- not from Brookside or Fresha, but fresh fresh?
- When someone says “Netflix and chill,” do you think it’s actually about watching a movie peacefully?
- Do you believe any woman wearing lashes longer than a boda boda’s windscreen is a slay queen?
- Do you still store documents in an exercise book cover with “PRIVATE” written in biro?
- Do you own or know someone who owns a leso they treat like a national treasure?
- Have you ever used Blue Band to moisturize your elbows or lips as a child?
- Do you refer to TikTok as “that thing for dancing and embarrassing people”?
- Would you prefer tea with a mountain of sugar and margarine-laced bread over a latte and croissant?
- Do you think a man carrying a backpack is suspicious unless he’s a student?
- If a woman says she’s “eating clean,” do you ask if she washed her hands?
- Do you believe a real man must own a cow and a plot in ushago to be taken seriously?
- Do you think avocado should only be eaten with ugali and sukuma, not toast?
- Have you ever called someone a ‘digital woman’ like it’s an insult?
- Do you believe a woman shouldn’t have long nails because “hawezi pika chapati nazo”, “kukata mboga nazo” or “kufua nazo”?
- Do you believe love messages should be written on paper, not via WhatsApp or emoji?
- When you hear the word “influencer,” do you ask “of what exactly?”
- Do you get suspicious of men who wear white sneakers without dust marks?
- Do you still think any woman wearing a kamisi today is out of social order?
Your score decodes you…here’s the ‘kienyo’ grading system:
0-5: You are a certified city slayer who brunches at the hip eatery, pays for avocado and calls mum and dad on WhatsApp. You probably say “periodt” and think ugali is optional. You wouldn’t survive a day in ushago without Wi-Fi and wet wipes.
6-10: You’ve seen the village, maybe even milked a cow, but you’ve since crossed over to the land of oat milk and Spotify playlists. Still, every now and then, you crave maize roasted on a jiko. You say “I’m not kienyeji, I’m cultured.” But we know you still own a leso.
11-15: You’re the perfect blend of both worlds. You know how to light a jiko and book a Bolt. You can switch from Sheng to Kikuyu/Kalenjin/Kamba like a linguistic ninja. You carry tissue in your bag… not for you, but for the city girls who didn’t grow up with long drops.
16-20: You still say “mimi siwezi kula hiyo chakula ya fridge,” and you believe Blue Band cures all skin issues. You still fear elevators and think microwaves “remove nutrients.” You’re proudly traditional and may or may not still hide money in socks. You are the blueprint. We respect you.
