Like taxes, death is inevitable. And the accompanying grief? A language of its own that never needs fixing, just understanding.
And as people who’ve stood by bereaved family and friends, sometimes we fumbled on the things we said to them during that period of grief, uttering well-meaning but painful words and clichés which end up doing more harm than good.
When sometimes, it would have just been better to offer your presence than words, right?
So, if you are one of those people who struggle with what to say- or not to say- to a grieving person, here’s a lift of phrases that should never be heard at the matanga or funeral:
- God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle- this minimizes and dismisses their suffering.
- They (deceased) wouldn’t want you to be say- don’t place the bereaved in a position where they have to suppress their emotions.
- Time heals all wounds- there is no timeline for grieving and some wounds never heal.
- Be strong- You will be piling pressure on them to pretend to be okay when they are crumbling inside.
- They (deceased) are in a better place now- never say this, no one wants to loose a loved one whether it was heaven or hell on earth.
- I know exactly how you feel- this is a common mistake because we have all grieved at some point but don’t generalize grief. Everyone’s pain is unique to themselves.
- At least they lived a long life- it does not matter if they were 100 or 60 and you are 20 or 25. No amount of time ever feels enough to have a loved one around.
- Everything happens for a reason- this is highly offensive, no two ways about it.
- At least they are no longer suffering- could be true but this does not erase the pain of the death and their absence.
- You need to move on- again, there is no timeline to grieve.
- It’s been years, aren’t you over their death?- again, there is no timeline or expiration date on grief. It can hit someone even 20 years after the fact.
- Let me know if you need anything- instead, offer specific help like meal prep, running errands and offering a shoulder to lean on.
- My thoughts and prayers are with you- this has been overused by strangers as witnessed on media and sounds detached and dismissive.
Do you have any more phrases to add to this list?
